As I sit here trying to come up with something witty, deeply spiritual, or otherwise ground-breaking as my first blog post, my mind draws a blank. I have poems or studying that I can post later on when I have time to transcribe them, or craft projects and recipes, even humorous stories or internet memes. But for my very first post I had wanted something special, only to realize I have to start somewhere.
If I let myself over-think it, I won’t get anywhere. Which is the opposite of what I want. So I am taking the plunge, and just writing. Over the years I have had to learn to ignore the critical voice inside my head that tells me to doubt myself, or pipes up with sarcastic comments about the worth of my words, but I have yet to learn how to rid myself of it altogether. Oh well, I imagine the voice is there to help me stay humble, and not get cocky. As soon as I get too full of myself, the Gods are ever ready to show me just how much I still have to learn.
But They have also been the inspiration and prompting that helped me make the decision to start this blog, I want to discuss my beliefs, the discoveries and UPG (unverified personal gnosis) that I have learned, and so much more with others. To inspire Pagans, Witches, or someone in search of answers as I have been inspired and helped over the years. Part of the prompt from the Gods is also to become a vocal part of the magical community on Their behalf. To speak out to clear away misconceptions and help others see that They are worthy and deserving of worship.
Who are these Gods I speak of?
They are Loki, His children and kin. Yes, I said Loki. For some readers there will probably be a moment of fist-pumping triumph, as they are chosen by Him too. For others, there might be some confusion. And still others might be afraid, or upset that I would dare speak His name. That I would choose to worship him.
I laugh a bit at the idea of choice, because if I chose anything, it was to finally open my eyes and see that Loki has been my Patron deity my whole life. But in order to illustrate that, here is a bit of back-story for everyone. Many parts of my past are difficult topics, but I need to share them in order to truly express my path. I have tried not talking about it, hiding it away, white-washing it, and pretending that it didn’t happen. But the pain and suffering I have overcome has shaped me into who I am now, I refuse to hide it just because it might make someone uncomfortable. So here it goes…
I had spent years searching for meaning and purpose in my life, shucking my birth religion off almost as soon as it was introduced to me, and digging into everything to find answers. That’s just how I am, but more on that later. I was raised Mormon, but don’t really remember too much except for having to sit through numerous services (where people droned on about topics that went over my head, and I couldn’t ask what they meant) when I had to wear the dresses I loathed, being bored out of my mind, and making paper crafts out of the bulletin I was given to hold.
You would be amazed at how many different things one can do with those things, make paper airplanes, do word searches, even make masks.
Then my parents converted to Christianity when I was about 8 years old, from what I remember of that, they had some kind of clash with church elders over my dad becoming a licensed massage therapist (yes, that is as odd as it sounds). I remember being given my first bible, and after reading it a couple times, was left with more questions than answers. So I started asking them, only to have everyone shush me that asking about Adam and Eve having sex was inappropriate for Sunday school, or that we couldn’t talk about the entire population of Earth being drowned in a flood because it was scaring the other kids.
My next question was why was it in the bible? Why were they teaching it if they didn’t want me to ask about it? After that I was sent to sit with my parents, and not allowed back. Ah, fun times. Not being able to take what others told me as law was a constant struggle between myself and the world around me.
Asking these kinds of questions was only part of how I acted and being curious of everything being taught to me, I wanted to know the reasons why. It was not malicious, it was only to try to understand, but it made for a difficult life pock-marked by abusive parents who singled me out in ways that was almost too much to bear. I felt lonely, cast out, and as if I was somehow always wrong, even if I knew in my heart I wasn’t wrong. I started paying lip service to the beliefs that were being shoved at me, holding my tongue to try and lay low, but even seeking to be exactly what they wanted I couldn’t get it right. The camouflage of acting as they wanted only seemed to create more strife for me, as if they could sense that it was merely a cloak I donned to survive.
In the end I realized that nothing I did made any difference, and my curiosity, questioning, prodding transformed into being a smart-ass who enjoyed shocking others. I got a kick out of pushing the buttons of people in church, and felt that it was all I had to keep myself sane. So I used it to push everyone away, in order to endure long enough to become an adult and be free to do as I pleased.
As an adult I have tried my best to cultivate and hone, rather than stifle the traits I started with (curiosity, asking questions, looking for truth), and Loki has pointed out to me that He has been the one to do the same as well. Even to His detriment, but He hasn’t let that stop Him from continuing on in His quest to uncover the truth, especially the things people want to hide. He might be called “The God of Lies” by some, but in reality He is the one who tells the truth, even if everyone else doesn’t want to hear it.
Knowing His struggles and pain has helped me see the purpose of mine, and I empathize with Him in ways I never had with any other deity. A kinship that I share something important with Him, a bond forged of shared sorrows, mirth, being a smart ass, seeking wisdom and truth when no one else wants to go there. Reading about Him being bound to a boulder with the entrails of His children with a venomous snake dripping poison in His eyes was horrifying, but it also reminded me of my past. The treatment He received time and again at the hands of the Aesir of being put down, treated with contempt, punished with incredibly cruel actions; while still being the one that everyone turned to when the shit hit the fan was a parallel to many of my struggles.
Loki was and is the underdog, the scapegoat, the one who rushes in with a crazy scheme to fix a problem, who humiliates Himself for a laugh, all of which is forgotten when it is time to be rewarded. In all of the lore that I have read, He is never given a special weapon, armor, gift, or reward for His sacrifices. He gives away everything that He wins, earns or steals, keeping nothing for Himself. So why is He considered such a bad guy? My best guess is that He makes people uncomfortable, and likes to take personal boundaries as a challenge to overcome.
But that doesn’t mean He doesn’t deserve worship and respect. And as a child of Loki, I could do no less than offer my best efforts to do so.