That time of year again

In my family it is the wonderfully cheerful time of year known as Mother’s Day. With my husband and children it is a relaxing day of a few gifts, cuddles and lots of love. With my parents and siblings, however, it is another matter entirely. Seeing my mother at all can be a touch and go situation, but any holiday specifically designed to honor her in any way is akin to being in the bomb squad.

One wrong move and the whole thing blows you into pieces.

She visited tonight with my father and sister, and within moments of arriving was criticizing the drum I worked so hard to make. I made the mistake of showing it to her after spending hours re-lacing it, soaking and stretching the leather, and sewing the fabric over the rawhide binding in the middle. All she could say was “Is this my drum? I only loaned it to you, and you dissected it… I never knew you wanted to do this to it, it wasn’t for you to keep.” Despite me explaining in great detail what I was going to do, asking her if she was ok with it, and her GIVING it to me, she is quite upset about it now.

She also worked really hard at riling the kids up while trying to convince my 3 month old daughter to chew on her nose. Which has been a constant request of mine NOT to do. I find this to be disgusting, but something like my explicit request has never stopped her yet. She thinks it is cute, and used to have my younger sister and brothers do the same.

She then began fixing a picture “her way” in a frame while asking me where I got it, and how I took the only copy of the last photo of my father’s mom. I was given it by my aunt after my Granny died because I was so grief stricken that I needed intensive therapy for months just to function. She doesn’t believe me, big surprise there.

I sometimes feel like dealing with her can be a nice time, but I can’t ever count on that happening because if I plan on it, then the visit goes horribly awry. I had felt quite proud of the drum I had made, my dad, sister and husband all thought it looked really cool. I know I shouldn’t allow my mom’s comments and attitude affect me, but she emotionally sucker-punched me earlier this week over a scheduling mix up, and I have been trying to recover ever since.

I was supposed to meet my sister at a “garage/stuff” sale this weekend to sell craft projects and jewelry, but due to my husband getting so sick, I ran out of time to make anything. My mom decided to try and talk to me about the plans for traveling and childcare online, and after a polite greeting pounced on me like a lynx after a rabbit. She demanded to know what the plans were, and complained about how she was expected to help us with all of her commitments to school and whatnot. She chewed me out for not having made enough items to sell, and refused to accept my reasons for running out of time. She also chastised me for daring to think I could have a crafting business when being a mom is a full time job, and if I wanted to pursue that I would need a nanny.

I tried to offer a compromise or an apology, but it fell on deaf ears. I decided to block her online to avoid anymore drama, only to have her call the house thinking something horrible had happened. She has absolutely no clue she has done anything wrong, and acts as if everything in the world is great.

I feel angry with myself for allowing her to hurt me, belittle me, and make me feel like a helpless little kid again. I contemplated a cursing jar to punish her, but honestly I don’t want to have to deal with the fallout from it. I think a binding is in order, as well as creating something for me to wear to block her from reaching me. If I create jewelry to ward her off, then I won’t exhaust myself doing it alone. I have tried to do it by my strength alone, but now I see that on a day where I am sleep-deprived and exhausted the extra boost is definitely needed.

My husband suggested giving her the drum back, after I remove all the work I have done, and giving her the pieces of the original to do with as she pleases. I really don’t want to do it, all the time I spent creating it into my personal drum would feel wasted. I just don’t know what to do.

I will try to figure it out, and ask Loki and the Spirits what They think I should do.

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About darkbookworm13

I am a proud mom to 3 beautiful girls, and married to the love of my life. I have been a practicing Witch since the summer of 2003, having studied many different paths over the years, ranging from Wicca, Goddess only worship (courtesy of StarHawk), Eclectic Paganism, Kitchen Witchcraft, Norse Paganism, Hearthcraft, Spiritual Luciferianism, and more. I have worked with the Futhark runes, Brian Froud's Faeries Oracle deck, Tarot decks, and I am currently working on a customized divination set based on collected items. I like to work with herbs, and gardening. I crochet and make handicrafts like wood burned items, paintings, drawings, toys, and hand sewn doll clothes for my daughters. The only title I call my spiritual path is Witchcraft, as using magic entwines deeply with the worship of the Gods who call me Their own. My Patron deity is Loki, who has chosen me as His kin.
This entry was posted in Abuse, Family, Holidays, Loki, Pain, PTSD, Rant, Spirits, The Past and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to That time of year again

  1. I suggested giving it to her in pieces because it was broken and you made it into something awesome instead of just a piece of plastic. Then I suggested us hitting a couple of hardware stores in the area to make one that was completely your own instead of starting with something of hers.

    • I know, it was just getting hard to write because it breaks my heart to think of breaking the drum I made. I am certain my future work would be epic compared to this one, it is just the prospect of undoing all my efforts doesn’t feel good. Necessary to break that bond with her, yes, but good not so much.

  2. Raven says:

    I cut my abusive mother out of my life around 10 years ago. It was the best decision I ever made. Mother’s day goes to my grandma, who is thankfully still with us….as well as to my friends who are raising beautiful and intelligent children.

    I know this goes against most tradition, however, sometimes the dead wood needs to be cut from our lives, especially if causes harm to you.

  3. chaos incarnate says:

    My advice even though it can just be throw away is perhaps play therapist. I think it could be one of those deals where she is acting out with you cause she sees something of herself in you…ect or she has some prior issue either from her homelife with her parents or genetic

    Perhaps you should compile a list of various queer personality quirks and look online on the dsm 4 which actually will give you a way to figure her out more on how to harmonize…mind you this is the difficult way, perhaps for your piece of mind you should thinking about just cutting ties…if she truly is active in stirring up trouble and not admitted it or doesn’t care about you or anothers wishes when rearing your child there is some issues in the chain of command….firmness may be needed to assert your self.

    I do wish for the best between you and your mother.

    – Chaos
    P.s- if you do want to check the dsm 4, my advice from what I’ve read thus far is narcissism, or some sort of a personality disorder.

    • I have tried looking into her psyche and figuring out what makes her tick, but sadly I have only come away with more scars then are worth the trouble, I know she was severely abused by her family, as well as fit the characteristics for having Postpartum Psychosis after the birth of each child. She refuses to get help, despite my efforts, or anyone else’s. She has said that she is not crazy, it is everyone else who has the problem.

      It just seems best to be rid of her, she only has a few good moments with the girls, and the rest of the time she is picking on me, my father, siblings, or my kids. Often trying to parent them in front of me. It is something we have clashed on before, and has only been getting worse since the birth of my 3rd daughter. My husband fully supports me in whatever I choose to do, he too has grown tired of her ongoing issues affecting our family’s happiness.

      I know that if I tell her to leave us alone, or get out it will do no good, so instead I have to come up with a more creative solution to the problem. In the past whatever I say gets translated in her mind to be something else entirely, sometimes she will even have had entire conversations in her mind with me, then calls to yell at me about them.

      • chaos incarnate says:

        Uhh, connect forehead to Palm….sounds like a clusterfuck of bad juju…well the first step is admitting that there is a problem…if she’s not willing to admit call Dr.Phil…haha…no, but seriously if you found something that’s working good for you.

        Best of luck

  4. Yep, a clusterfuck is an understatement… My method is a combo of keeping her from visiting often, warding the house, cleansing it when she leaves, and communicating with her as little as possible. Thankfully we don’t live with them anymore, that was a much bigger challenge. I figure if I keep her from being able to latch on again by parrying and deflecting any attempts at being “lovey dovey” then she will focus her angst on others instead of us…

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