Now I wanted to address this for quite some time, but wasn’t sure how I wanted to talk about it. There are so many people out there that have these incredibly intimate marriages to different Gods.
This is not to minimize any of it, but this stuff scares the crap out of me.
I cannot fathom being married to a God or Goddess. Looking at my relationship with Loki I see Him more and a parental figure and mentor, not a lover and husband. Reading about others who are married to Him leaves me in awe at their experiences, but also scares me. What if there was a God that would ask that of me? Who would pursue me romantically and ask for my love and devotion in return? Is there a Deity waiting in the wings for the right moment to claim me?
I am happily married to my husband, after many bad relationships, and at least one domestic abuse situation. It took me 4 months to tell him I loved him, let alone anything further. My heart aches at the indecision I put him through, and opens to him completely. I am scared that a God would come forward and claim me as Their own, and expect a more intimate and all encompassing bond then the one I have with my spouse.
One of my fears is whether or not I would be able to give that. I have my husband and children who put a huge demand on my time, energy, love, and resources. I feel like I wouldn’t have anything extra to offer to a God in that way. To steal a quote from Bilbo in the Lord of the Rings, “I feel like butter that has been spread over too much bread.” Creating an active spiritual life is one thing, in my mind, but a marriage is something so much more. I give thanks for what I have, I follow the intuitive leaps I am shown, I leave offerings of my foods, drinks, incense, items I create and time to honor my Gods. I sometimes feel like I should do more than those things, but with three kids and a husband recovering from surgery, my time is limited. A small part of me is afraid that the responsibilities of being a mother and wife would be swept away if a God pursued me, and I don’t want that to happen.
So I guess what I am saying is that I know my relationship with the Gods I am being called to is growing and maturing, but the idea of marrying a God scares me. My mind balks at the idea of such a bond between me and any Deity, especially if it came at the cost of my family. Loki has told me He understands the loss of family, and wouldn’t shuck them away like corn husks and wrapping papers, but the fear still dwells in my mind that Someone else might.
And I know I wouldn’t be willing to make that sacrifice.