Today’s topic that keeps pushing into my thoughts is Loyalty. Last night I lay in bed trying to turn the idea over in my head and examine exactly where my own loyalties lie, as well as where they do not, and why.
I have been reading small excerpts from Galina Krasskova’s book titled “Exploring The Northern Tradition: A Guide To The Gods, Lore, Rites And Celebrations From The Norse, German And Anglo-Saxon Traditions” in which she provides information on Modern Heathenism, more detailed understanding of the Norse Gods, and an array of holy days and rituals or rites to honor the Gods.
I felt renewed excitement in learning about the Norse pantheon, but quickly encountered mental and spiritual resistance in trying to get closer to others such as Freya, Bragi, Odin, or Frigga. The feelings I got were similar to the chagrin and puzzlement of dialing a wrong number to Someone who speaks another language that I am not fluent in. I dove into her writings about Loki, Sigyn, and Angrboda, but the rest just felt wrong.
So I have realized that my closeness to the Norse Gods begins and ends with Loki, His wives, and children. I do have a connection with Thor, but it isn’t the same as the bond I share with Loki (it is mostly a nominal ‘hi, here is a drink I share with you’ sort of thing). This realization explains why I struggled with learning and using the Runes, or seeking tutelage with Odin to better understand them. I get the distinct feeling that I am not supposed to learn from Them, in part because Loki is family, as well as my Patron and parent. When I first realized that Loki was the God who was really speaking to me, I had wondered whether or not I was supposed to honor the rest as well. Now I understand that (for now at least) I am meant to focus my attentions on Loki and His kin.
The thoughts of loyalty had also been turning over in my head in regards to my blood-relatives. I saw my mother last night, and all of the old feelings that had dug into me, ate at me, and fed off of my residual fear were gone. I looked at her and felt nothing.
In past interactions (which were thankfully few, and far between) I could feel emotional tugs on me as if she was trying to grasp old connecting points to reaffirm her dominance and control. Seeing her would result in feeling sick to my stomach and freezing up to avoid conflict.
Now, I feel apathy towards her, and it is so freeing to know that.
My illness has also cemented where my loyalties dwell, showing who I can depend on for help with my children, housework, or to help take care of me when I am barely able to walk. My husband has been a huge help, and my girls have been trying to offer help, cuddles, and laughter to take my mind off of my pain. My sister helped a lot by staying with our two older girls while I was in the ER, and visited yesterday to play with them. We also got a chance to play a board game called Zombies! with my sister, which was very fun, we even set up dice and game tiles for the girls too.
I had wondered whether this infection was a side-effect of my botched offering earlier this week, but have not sought to place the blame on Anyone because of it. If it were connected to the illness that I now have, then it seems like a clear reminder for me to maintain my health in all ways, make proper offerings, and finish the sacred crafts or projects that I make promises about.
Thus cementing my loyalty closer to Loki and His family, as it should be.