Today pt. 2

Today has been a chaotic day topped with heaping piles of stress and fury rolled into a messy pile of shit. My eldest daughter sees a counselor for Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and told her counselor this morning that my ex in Oregon tried constantly to touch her inappropriately, and that she would scream at him to leave her alone, or lock herself behind a door to hide.

 

I haven’t felt this helpless and filled with rage in a long time.

I don’t know what to do.

Or where to turn.

Or even what to say to her.

I have hugged her, told her it wasn’t her fault, reassured her of our love for her, and that I believe her.

But I am frozen as to what to do next.

My brain refuses to think of anything else.

Honoring Loki has flown right out of my head, and all I can do is keen in grief and rage at my child’s pain.

I will call the counselor to find out what we need to do next, but I am shattered that this happened to her.

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About darkbookworm13

I am a proud mom to 3 beautiful girls, and married to the love of my life. I have been a practicing Witch since the summer of 2003, having studied many different paths over the years, ranging from Wicca, Goddess only worship (courtesy of StarHawk), Eclectic Paganism, Kitchen Witchcraft, Norse Paganism, Hearthcraft, Spiritual Luciferianism, and more. I have worked with the Futhark runes, Brian Froud's Faeries Oracle deck, Tarot decks, and I am currently working on a customized divination set based on collected items. I like to work with herbs, and gardening. I crochet and make handicrafts like wood burned items, paintings, drawings, toys, and hand sewn doll clothes for my daughters. The only title I call my spiritual path is Witchcraft, as using magic entwines deeply with the worship of the Gods who call me Their own. My Patron deity is Loki, who has chosen me as His kin.
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12 Responses to Today pt. 2

  1. mckarlie says:

    I was abused as a child and it’s really important to let her know that it wasn’t her fault, that it happens to many girls and it doesn’t make her abnormal, feeling isolated and guilty is a big problem for survivors of abuse. I’m not sure what the situation is but my Mother left me with him a lot, and while she didn’t know it was happening at the time I was still kind of hurt that she didn’t protect me from him, I know this must hurt to hear because of course you would have protected her if she knew but I’m just trying to help give you a little insight into what she might be feeling. Just keep telling her she is loved, she’s not the only one that this happens to and it’s not her fault in any way, the man who did this is very sick and there are people out there who are sick and will hurt children in this way but most people aren’t like this and are inherently decent. I hope you get through to her, all the very best

    • Thank you for your support, we will just keep telling her those things, and showing her we love her. For now, that is the best we can do. I was also abused as a child, and sexually assaulted as a teen after running away from my abusive home, so I know some of the feelings she must be going through. I just feel helpless, angry at him and myself, and guilty. I was working 40+ hours a week at my job, and had to depend on him for child-care. Looking back I feel sick to think of all the time she had to spend with him.

  2. Oh, no, that is just awful. I hope the counselor has good advice, and that your daughter doesn’t have to be near your ex again.

  3. Kat says:

    I have to say I know exactly what your daughter is going through, both with the Generalized Anxiety Disorder and the inappropriate touching.

    Honestly, even though it is hard for me to say, just the fact that knowing you are trying to help her out is a lot of strength in the first place. Even though sometimes there are things we, as daughters, can’t tell our mothers, knowing they are there in the first place is a great strength in the world flooded with worries and fears. When we feel comfortable enough to talk about it to our mothers, just knowing they won’t judge us, even if they are in shock, is more than the comfort of their open arms hugging us tightly.

    Being in the shoes, my only wish that I have had with my own mother is that she would sit down with me, and state that she knows about it and that together we will overcome it. Even though the healing process is mostly mine, knowing that she is there for me to cry on when it becomes too much or to talk to when the doubts are wrangling my mind, is a lot more secure than any counselor or therapy that I am or will go through.

    I give you and your daughter the best of my wishes and hope that in due time, the worries and anxieties decrease for her. That in due time, she will be able to open up more to you without the fear of wondering what you will do next or how you will react or any of the things we happen to worry about at the time.

    • Thank you, I am doing my very best to be exactly what she needs, and keeping my own reactions private, so that she doesn’t feel guilty for making me cry. For now all I can do is be there for her, and offer her whatever comfort I can. I just wish I could have spared her of this altogether. Part of me feels like I have failed, even though I know that being in that situation I was trying to do the best I could.

  4. mckarlie says:

    Well you’ll know then how much support after the fact is really really important, I never got that, I was exiled effectively. Just give her all the love and support you can and I’m sure with therapy she’ll come through this. You can’t blame yourself, no one assumes this behaviour of a loved one without VERY obvious signs.

    • You’re right, it is just hard not to have hindsight point out signs that were meaningless at the time but now look like obvious clues. My family refuses to talk about the past at all, and if I try it causes a fight or major avoidance ans awkward silences. Or worse, people try to compare ‘whose past was the most painful” and try to outdo my pain, as if it is some sort of competition. Any attention taking away from them usually turns into that….

      • mckarlie says:

        Oh my! That’s exactly what it’s like in my family. My cousin and I are only a few years apart and spent a lot of time together and I cut her off the same time that I did my mother and one of the last things she said to me was ‘you never had it that bad, you should have seen MY childhood’ like it was a competition of who suffered more. See her mum actually left her abusive dad and her dad never did much more than yell a lot, but she considers her pain much greater than mine. I don’t see why we can’t both have pain from our past. And if I tried to actually talk about any issues with my family they treated me like I was crazy, everything went unsaid.

  5. Love, support, reassurance, acceptance, and listening are more important than anything.

    One of my partners and I were both told we were lying about abuse (and he was forced to keep interacting with his abuser for sixteen years until I physically intervened completely and moved him to another part of the state, because his rapist was “SUCH a good person!”), and when I wasn’t told I was lying, I was told I was exaggerating and “nothing that bad could have happened to you; you just want attention,” and whether or not I was believed, I was told I was doing nothing but whining and complaining when I needed to talk about it: “you’re ALWAYS complaining about this! when are you going to shut up and get over it!”

    I’ve also had therapists refuse to discuss it with me because it makes them uncomfortable and had to get new ones.

    The people responsible for abuse are the ones who commit it, or who knowingly perpetuate it by refusing to act on perfectly clear information that they have been given (such as my partner’s parents).

    You are responsible for helping her heal. Don’t put yourself in the wrong camp through feeling guilty over something you would’ve stopped if you’d had any idea whatsoever.

    Also, Loki knows quite a bit about having his children violated. They may not have been raped, but they were abused, tortured, killed, ripped away from their parents, isolated, and so on. You can honor him by taking care of your daughter, and he will respect that and be more grateful for that than if you were spending all of your time on elaborate gifts for him. He loves children and would do anything to protect them.

    • Thank you, I agree that Loki does understand and offer compassion and support to children when they are hurt. I have been doing my best to banish all guilt from my mind, and enjoy the time I spend with my girls. It is harder for everyone to be too close with this massive heatwave going on, but we are managing.

      The beads and creating things is more a comfort to me to take my mind off of things, rather than trying to make Loki an elaborate gift that takes time away from my girls. I get to touch the beads maybe 2-3 times a day total, stringing a few here and there between chores, meals, diaper changes, movie time, and naps.

      I am trying to make sure I don’t retreat into my head and avoid everyone like I have done in the past. Thank you again for your input and support.

      • Your bead project sounds very lovely and healing for you — I have a bead project for Freyr, too, that’s been waiting for me to be able to afford the remainder of the materials.

        I was speaking more generally about elaborate things, like feeling as if you have to do something grand that consumes lots of energy to feel like you’re honoring him the ‘right’ way or ‘enough,’ not about what you are actually doing, because I know in stressful times when people cannot do what they think they ‘should’ be doing, they can end up feeling like they are poor devotees, when in those times, I think all our gods need from us is that we remember them and spend the time we can with them. Touching base with him literally through going to your project a few times a day sounds like a good idea, since stress can make it hard to feel connected on other levels, too.

        For example, we’d planned a large dinner for Freyr, Loki, and Odin, and things went very bad suddenly (we were told we were being evicted in six months, no negotiation), and between both of us having CFS and fibro, the stress has knocked us down completely and we haven’t been able to go to the store to buy things. I felt terrible about it, but Freyr told me that it was completely all right, and that my/our health and well-being was what mattered the most, and we’d get around to it when we could — they had no trouble with being patient.

        Do you live in the Northeast? We are in NYC, and it was about a hundred degrees today, and impossible to go out in and cope with.

        I will keep your family in my heart; I use the Medicine Buddha mantra and sadhana to pray for people who are suffering psychologically or physically, and I am already doing devotions for my brother-in-law’s cat, and some other situations. Abused people and their families are always close to my heart, since I and my loved ones went through severe things, too.

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