After my Month for Loki I felt empty, lacking any words or thoughts that I wanted to share. I tried naps, resting, reading my copy of Jotunbok, but it all slid off me like oily water. Not the best imagery, but I’ll take it. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong, why couldn’t I settle into some devotional progress each day, or get the energy to finish my drum, my collection, or anything more than sitting on the couch and cuddling my girls? Fuck if I knew. I felt pulled and tugged by so much that I just sort of crumpled like an old rubber band, and couldn’t get the horses and king’s men to put me back together.
I had weird dreams that left me wrung out, exhausted, and thrashing around in my bed, only to be unable to remember any details later. I remember debating people in dream form, only to have my words become snakes and slither away, or bubbles that popped into smoke. I awoke a few days ago with a nasty lump on my head, and no explicable reason for it to be there. I am going to get it checked out at our local ER if it doesn’t go away, but something tells me it will show up on their tests as nothing.
I was restless, always hungry, and felt as though blinking was a challenge, because all I wanted to do was sleep. As I write this, the lump seems to have disappeared, and left only a small sore spot on the back of my head. It had started shrinking yesterday, right after I rediscovered some of my magically infused jewelry, and after getting them cleaned up and putting them back on, I felt much better. It is weird how fast I felt more myself, and the relief was amazing.
I now wear my crocheted pouch of red thread that holds a tumbled piece of Hematite, and Bloodstone. I fixed the cord that carries a Tree of Life pendant that bears two Pentacles in its branches, an Amethyst Apple, and an Onyx Waning Crescent Moon. The moon and apple were gifts from my husband, the moon from a shop in NM, and the apple from an online shop our 1st Yule back in ME. The tree has been carried with me since the summer of 2008, an impulse buy at the mall that wouldn’t let me put it down.
I have no idea what made me stop wearing these pieces, but damn did it suck. Actually, I correct myself, I stopped wearing the moon when my 2 1/2 year old was born because it scratched her head. It got hung with our household charm for over 2 years, until I finally paid enough attention to put it back on. *facepalm* Gods I’m dense sometimes. I took the tree and apple off about a week ago because my 6 1/2 month old was chewing on them, and I wanted to restring them again. The pouch and stones was something I looked for, but had given up for lost.
I had somehow forgotten what these things felt like, and how they helped me, but now I see them with new eyes for the warding, protective, guiding energies that they are. I finally got the smacks upside the head, no small thanks to the persistence of my Spirits. I felt like I had come so far after my month of honoring Loki, but I realize now how much more I have to learn, and remember.
Just goes to show me, once I get complacent or comfortable, Loki is there to help me see just how much more I have to do. I know He does it out of love and a desire to see me become stronger, but sometimes I feel like my response is “I know You do this out of love, but could You love me less” (I keep feeling like that is out of some show or movie, but the internet has no answers at this time, so I guess it is just UPG). I think the premise is from Evan Almighty, but the idea is still the same.
Ok, that’s enough internet for me tonight…