I have had a difficult time in finding time to write, but it is mostly due to the struggles I am having with my eldest daughter.
Yesterday we ended up in the local ER because she stepped on broken glass in our kitchen, and she had 4-5 punctures on the bottom and side of her foot. After an x-ray, examination, and dinner trays, we arrived back home.
Before she got hurt, her job was to clean her room and sort out old stuff to donate/get rid of. Instead of doing this, she wrecked her entire room, had trash, junk, dirty clothes, toys, and everything all over every part of her bedroom. She bagged up a bunch of her belongings to get rid of, and expected to get all new stuff for her birthday, seeming surprised that we weren’t going to go along with this plan
I am so frustrated with everything she does I want to scream. She has the dual diagnoses of ADHD and Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and every day is a challenge to make it from waking up, through the day, and back into bed.
I sometimes harbor deep desires of running away, and not having to force someone to abide by our household rules and expectations whose behaviors are so unwilling that it is like bathing a cat, or shoving a 6 armed flailing, shrieking hobgoblin into a cat carrier.
She won’t listen to any of our house rules.
She refuses to clean her room, make her bed, or care for her belongings.
She deliberately destroys toys, dress-up items, and doll clothes I made for her.
She peels paint off the walls so much that we will probably get into trouble with our landlady when we move out.
She pilfers stones, trinkets, altar items, and whatever else she can find, without asking or being given them.
She lines her room with trash and items that are shoved under everything, piled in corners, and tucked into every crevice possible.
She lies about everything, and then gets offended when I question her, or don’t believe her.
She also stole candles and hid them in her room, and we are missing a lighter I can’t locate yet…
She is stubborn, impulsive, questions everything, tries to negotiate herself out of any form of consequences, glares balefully when I try to talk to her about how her behavior is wrong.
I feel like I would make more progress if I were to charge headfirst into our walls then to try to keep pushing for her to conform herself to our expectations and rules. I have tried bargaining, negotiating, reward/punishment, bribes, physical discipline, yelling, earning tokens to turn in for a reward, and finally…
I emptied her room out everything, raked up all of her puzzles, toys, dolls, and junk and bagged it up. I have a pile left to deal with in the morning, but she has had everything removed except 2 empty shelves and her bed.
Now I am feeling every moment of exertion that happened in the past few days all over my body, and my joints are screaming at me. My head is pounding, my back hurts from having her ride on my back instead of walking on her hurt foot yesterday to and from the car/house, and my hands are shaking from the exertion of yard work, cleaning her room out, and rearranging the kitchen and cleaning it out so I could sweep up all the broken glass.
I fantasize about not having to be Mommy for awhile, and just relaxing or reading a book, anything to unwind. But sadly, the screams of an indignant middle toddler, protesting yells from my almost 9 year old, and the squeals of my 7 month old banish any daydreams rather quickly…