Health misadventures, dreams, and stuff

Life has taken some interesting twists lately, mostly into “Am-I-going-to-die-ville” with stops at the ER mingled with increased insomnia, panic attacks, counselling, odd dreams I cannot remember when I wake up, and my first attempt to start a fiction story.

Two weeks ago I ended up going into the ER twice for crushing chest pain, one trip (late Monday night) lasted until 3:30 am the next day, and the second one was a recheck because the chest pain never went away, so I was back in the ER with all of my girls and my husband in tow. After two different EKGs, a chest x-ray, a CT scan, blood work, and being hooked up to O2, I was sent home with the probable diagnosis of viral Pleurisy. I saw my new doctor last Monday morning, he assured me that my heart is indeed NOT breaking apart inside my chest, and the ER diagnosis is correct.

I have had recurring chest pains on and off ever since these visits to the hospital, but they seem to be paired with a panic attack that renders me unable to breathe, move, or function other than on autopilot. I have had to employ my new PRN meds for them, but they seem to do little for helping overcome the symptoms, they just make me a little sleepy (which helps with panic attacks at night when I can’t sleep, but not much else). I have been trying to deal with these happening, but feel like I am running out of options on how to do so. As I continue to see my counselor (3 visits so far), these panic attacks are coming more and more often. They are happening at least once a day, and I am starting to feel agoraphobic about leaving the house at all, so when I have to go on outings, they are worse.

My theory is that I have been holding in so much about my past for too long, so now the has been removed, and all the nastiness, pain, anger, and hatred is gushing out. The dam within my soul has come down, and what’s washing down the canyons of my insides scares the crap out of me. I know it is needed, but I wish the uncontrolled feelings of sheer panic would let up at least a little, just so I can feel like my head is above water, instead of being pulled out to sea drowning on the unspoken screams of my past. I want to get rid of all the festering filth inside me, but the reality of it exiting is overwhelming at best.

The insomnia and dreams seem to come and go, I often doze just enough to have time pass, but it feels as though I haven’t slept all night long. I lay awake in pain until my meds kick in, but then I awaken feeling groggy and in more pain later. Some of the only details I remember from my dreams are looking into the milky eyes of a blind canine who was speaking to me, and trying to translate what they were saying. Another dream I had two nights ago involved me waking up with the words “Tichel” and “Trishula” being written onto paper in front of me.

I hailed the Almighty Google with these words, and discovered that a “Tichel” is a head covering that is used by women in different faiths that require modesty, or are used by women who prefer to cover their heads for personal reasons. I talked to my husband last night about possibly trying out a head covering to help with my anxiety and panic attacks. I don’t know how well it will work, but I used to cover my head as a teenager after my female bio-donor shaved off all of my hair. Partly because it was cold, but also because covering my head felt right. I stopped covering my head after my hair grew back out, but never felt as self assured, strong, and confident as I did when covering my head. So now I am looking up tutorials on how to use scarves and cloth for a head covering, instead of just using a bandanna like I did in the past.

I found that the word “Trishula” is a 3 pronged trident or spear that is said to be wielded by Shiva, Durga and other deities as a representation of of a trinity such as: Creation, Maintenance, and Destruction. I believe that it could symbolize the changes I have been going through in therapy, life, and my health. I am grateful for being shown these different words in my dream, and I am hoping to be able to both use a head covering in the future, as well as researching more about Who is trying to get my attention with this symbol. I wonder if Njord uses a trident or not…

My fiction story is a zombie based idea in which my main character is modeled after me when I was younger, and has suffered great harm by her family, before they are turned into zombies. It is cathartic for me to write out her injuries, the things they say to her, how she is treated, and the feelings she has towards her family. I was never supposed to tell anyone what my donors did to me, and writing it out like a zombie story helps me expose the rot that they try to hide. I am also going to turn her parents into zombies and have my character fight them off, and kill them. My inner darkness likes this idea a lot, so I will keep writing until my demons are sated. 4,300 words so far, once I get a 1st draft I plan on sending it out for beta readers, editing, and hopefully I can publish it.


About darkbookworm13

I am a proud mom to 3 beautiful girls, and married to the love of my life. I have been a practicing Witch since the summer of 2003, having studied many different paths over the years, ranging from Wicca, Goddess only worship (courtesy of StarHawk), Eclectic Paganism, Kitchen Witchcraft, Norse Paganism, Hearthcraft, Spiritual Luciferianism, and more. I have worked with the Futhark runes, Brian Froud's Faeries Oracle deck, Tarot decks, and I am currently working on a customized divination set based on collected items. I like to work with herbs, and gardening. I crochet and make handicrafts like wood burned items, paintings, drawings, toys, and hand sewn doll clothes for my daughters. The only title I call my spiritual path is Witchcraft, as using magic entwines deeply with the worship of the Gods who call me Their own. My Patron deity is Loki, who has chosen me as His kin.
This entry was posted in Abuse, Chaos, Counselling, Creativity, Deities, Dreams, Family, Illness, Mental Health, PTSD, The Past, Writing and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to Health misadventures, dreams, and stuff

  1. mckarlie says:

    A few months ago I started therapy (for the gazillionth time) at the same time as digging up repressed memories of sexual abuse as a child. I ended up in the hospital on suicide watch, tethered only to life by the thought of what my death would do to my children.
    Once you start to deal with the past it can be overwhelming and manifest in many physical ways as well, I got too enthusiastic and tried to take on too much at once, hence my break down. So I wish you all the strength in the world, but caution you to go slowly and be wary as you pick at the scab, too much all at once and it will bleed. The story sounds like it will be cathartic for you, all the very best with it.

    • I am doing my best not to pick at the scab at all, and just let the bits fall off as they choose. I am impatient by nature, but I would rather avoid my head popping like a grape, or going on a crime spree in the aftermath of the entirety coming loose.

      Thank you for your support *hug* being a survivor is rough work for certain, I am sorry your endeavors pushed you too far, too fast. I will heed your advice and do my best to move at a slow pace.

      This time of year seems to be causing so many people to delve into their shadows, whether they want to look into the depths or not.

      • mckarlie says:

        It’s important to shine a light into the shadows because eventually it gives us back the power, but you seem to have a good approach to it. Healing is such a complex process and trauma is like a weed, deeply rooted into our psyche. You can pluck the top off but if you don’t get the root system it just comes back again and again. I wish you strength and peace *hugs*

  2. I used to get panic attacks with fast heart rates when i worked in a cardiology office with two certifiably bipolar crazy people, lol. I found that Ativan worked well to stop the spiral. Of course that is a band aid. Regarding the Trisula or Trident of Shiva most people think of it as being male since he hold it, but if you really look at it it is a Yoni. So he is holding a symbol of Durga/Kali and not a phallic image at all. Another way of interpreting the Trident is a lingam in a yoni.

    • I found that the medication that my Dr. gave me was making the panic attacks happen more often, with them becoming more severe each time. So I had to stop taking them altogether.

      Learning that Shiva is holding a representation of the primal Goddess as the creator and devouring One, that makes a lot of sense. I have struggled with establishing a relationship with any given Goddess during the decade of studying. I hadn’t considered it, but perhaps this dream is the sign that I need to work on creating a devotional relationship with Someone new.

      I had been afraid for so long, it is time to stop being afraid.

      • Panic attacks are a self feeding spiraling feeling that is hard to stop. BTW i had worked in medicine all my life, 20 years in hospital including 7 in the ER and 11 years in private cardiology practice in electrophysiology (pacers and defibrillators), all as a Tech.
        As i am not a “hard polytheist” i guess all gods and goddesses are mostly faces of the same God/ess. As a Buddhist and Witch i have even worked with forms of Mary. Shiva has so many forms over the millennia that i have always been attracted to him, and Cernunnos is the closest Celtic version though we know little about his real place in their religions. Diana is the Goddess of our coven but i also like the Tibetan Avalokitesvara / Tara manifestations also.
        Sorry i wrote so many comments yesterday but your writing is like listening to someone talking to me. My blog posts are not as personal as your are, but believe me i have walked through the shadow and am walking it now with all going on with me physically. I have lost and gained and lost my faith many times.

      • You commenting is not a problem at all, I write so that others can feel less alone, and be helped in some way. I appreciate all of your input, it helps me figure out my own stuff, and lets me see into someone else’s mind for a reference.

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