I haven’t had much time to write out many of the ideas or thoughts that revolve around in my mind all day long, but it feels like I am going through some rather strange pulls, pushes, and tugs into new directions in life, as well as on my Path.
My eyes feel as though they are opened up to see not only the behaviors of my blood relatives, it seems that most of their usual habits to induce bringing me into their lives more are falling on deaf ears. I can take a step back and SEE these for what feels like the first time in my life. By examining the different ways they flounce about or huff offstage to drag me into participating in whatever they are up to, I am able to watch with a detached sense of freedom that I have never experienced before. I have had to fight a few residual tugs of a strongly ingrained habit, but each time I succeed, it feels amazing.
Not being tied to them in such a manner is rather strange, but I am working on carefully removing each tentacle of “grabby-not-understanding-space-or-boundaries-or-the-right-to-make-your-own-choices” that were dug in deeper then I had realized. My counselor is proud of how well I have been doing with each day passing without a panic attack, and keeping my blood relatives from draining me dry or pulling me back into the mire I was in before. It has been about 2 weeks since I last remember a panic attack at all, and overall I feel so much better then I did in the past.
In regard to my Path, the Norse related stuff and Jotnar seem to have gotten really quiet. I still feel some of Loki’s presence in my life, but it feels like my feet are being pulled along a new footpath in the woods, and I can’t help but follow along. The impressions I get from Him are approval, and support, but also more distance then I used to have. During this time of inner quiet and mulling over what is calling to me, I realized that Druidism is bonking me over the skull.
When I mentioned this to my husband, he nodded and said it made perfect sense because I was spending time learning about the different cultures my ancestors would have come from. I have Irish, Scottish, German, British, Hebrew, Pennsylvania Dutch, Southern slave owners (and slaves) and several other bloodlines in my lineage, and so far, I have only really focused my practices on honoring the Germanic and British (including Saxon and Norse raiders). I have studied some polytheistic Hebrew info, P.D. practices, Hoodoo and Rootworking, but those only held my attention for a short time. I see now that I never really paid much attention to my Celtic background, and now the siren call of that is very strong.
At first I was skeptical that I was understanding the signs correctly, thinking perhaps I was just imagining it, or misunderstanding, but no, the driving nudges only got stronger as time went on. So now I am reading up on Druidism, Celtic lore and magic, and talking to the Gods as I go to know what comes next.