This is all transcribed over from a spiral ring notebook that I started using when I was unable to sit to use my laptop.
Being laid-up with this back injury sucks so much. I feel as though I am shackled to an enormous weight that sears my muscles with every movement.
This pain is very similar to when I got hurt while working as a CNA, and it inspires, or rather, dredges up the feelings that haunted me in the past. Inadequacy, frustration, grief, and resentment at my body being stuck this way. It is really hard to overcome these residual feelings and not let them take root in what is happening now. But it feels like I am fighting a tide pulling me out to sea. I look strong or in control, but feel as though the ghosts of my past are trying desperately to not only get my attention, but to feed on the present.
I dug out this journal to delve into studying a new spiritual ideology, or rather, addressing some of the Beings that have been tapping me on the shoulder over the years, and learning more than just the 101 type stuff. I have always felt drawn to Animal Totems, but never pursued it very far. I want to change that, and learn Who is in my life as a guide or mentor, and how to work with Them in my Path now.
I started to feel frustrated and wistful about being in these modern times. I spent time daydreaming about living during the times of Mammoths or Cave Bears, or during the time of Vikings, in a Neolithic tribal setting, or even other worlds. But I realized that I was creating a romanticised version of these time periods that had little in common with what real life would have been like.
This disparity was called out, with an astral “poke” in the middle of the forehead during one of my laments about being stuck in 2014, instead of being able to live a simple, quiet life during Paleolithic Europe. The absurdity of this desire was pointed out by both Loki and my husband, that I was waxing nostalgic for a life that wouldn’t truly exist, and I was doing it while using our WIFI.
Yea… The irony really hit me too…
Right after this happened, the book I was reading (DIY Totemism by Lupa) brought up this same thought process, and it really hit home. The author stated that too many people get wrapped up in wishing their spiritual path was that of another age, and write off their Neopagan background altogether. She also wrote that this can grow into escapism, and distract us from what is right in front of us.
Talk about a clue-by-four to the head.
I had gotten wrapped up in this when working with the Jotnar and Norse deities. In my mind’s eye, seeing Them in a modern setting was really hard, especially the Jotnar. I got stuck thinking that I needed to give up modern clothing, tools, and practices in order to communicate with Them, and that thought process was hindering my spiritual work. My belief that I had to give up these things wasn’t even based on anything that I learned from the Jotnar, it was because I had fallen into the mindset that “older was better”. When in reality, it isn’t better, if anything, it is a distraction from what I was supposed to be doing.
Being a Modern Neopagan Mutt does make things harder, but it should be an enjoyable challenge, not an impossible obstacle. Escaping into the past or my imagination has only hurting me, and kept me from seeing the cliff I was meandering towards. This back injury seems to have happened at the moment when I needed to sit down and evaluate not only my thoughts, but everything else, and look at where I should be focusing my attentions. I don’t want to lose sight of the true path I need to create, so I am doing my best to weed out the dross again, and plant the seeds of what I want in my life.
I’m slipping the unneeded costumes and thoughts off into a pile yet again, it is sort of strange that March is the month I began this process last year, and March is the month I begin the same process now. My husband pointed out that it appears to be a spiritual spring cleaning, which makes sense with the season changing to spring, and the changes I have made by being in college. The growth on all fronts has stretched my skin to the breaking point, and I must break free, or risk suffocating.
Perhaps the back injury can give me time to deposit the old and unneeded things into the compost pile, to feed the future with the decay of the past.