I came to the realization last night that I have felt more myself these past few days than I have in awhile. I am not certain how or when it set in, but I had felt withdrawn, unhappy, hopeless, and even when school and life were going well, I just couldn’t shake a feeling of guilt or the need to hide.
Why, you ask?
Some of the thoughts running through my head ranged from “You are not trying hard enough in school, do better.” to the more insidious “If you just worked at helping more, then your eldest’s emotional state would improve.”
As if her progressing Sensory Processing Disorder, ADHD, Generalized Anxiety, and Communication Disorder could be cured if I just found something that was the magic bullet, and in failing to do so, I was failing.
I hadn’t even seen the seeds sprouting, or the vines choking me, until I breathed free last night.
They are not my fault.
They were never my fault.
Any decisions that may have influenced her current diagnosis were made with the best planning and intentions possible.
Her being the way she is cannot be healed via me beating myself into dust to make amends.
I own my mistakes from the past, and forgive myself.
I fought to protect her, and confronted her abuser (my ex) about what he did to her.
My efforts are not undone when she has a bad day (even if it really feels like it).
I am strong enough to help her learn to become independent.
Doubt and fear is normal, but I can overcome them to become a better parent.
The road ahead is hard, unglamourous, and sometimes ugly, but we will make it.
I am allowed to wish for a break or time alone with my husband, that does not make me a bad mom.
I will not allow my fears or my anger to decide my actions, or how I interact with my daughters.
Breathing freely of the springtime air, and feeling cool winds upon my skin have cleansed away the clinging malaise of this winter.
We are stronger than these diagnoses, and we can remain a strong, healthy family unit despite our struggles.