Loki day 5: Bed-rest and forced introspection…

I seem to be falling into a pattern of only being able to post on odd-numbered days, despite my efforts to do daily posts. In order to facilitate healing faster, I had to move upstairs to our bedroom to avoid being bounced on constantly by the goblins. I know they can’t really help it, all three tend to be active sitters no matter what, so jostling the couch can’t be helped…

Sitting up here by myself feels weird though, I don’t usually have much time to myself, let alone a period of forced inactivity like I have now. In order for me to remain up here without feeling bored out of my brain, my husband downloaded some movies for me to watch, as well as helping me carry up one of my tarot decks, a notebook, and some snacks.

One of the movies I get to watch is Dracula starring Gary Oldman, I have never watched a film rendition of Dracula, I have only ever read the story. Watching this film, I have only empathy and compassion for Dracula in his desire to be with his beloved for all time. The heroes of the story with their “divine” mission make me angry on his behalf, with the shared loathing for the church’s teaching providing me with a closer connection to the perceived “villain” in the story instead. The idea of vampires, supernatural powers, and immortality has always intrigued me, as a teenager I often wished I could become such a creature.

This sense of dissatisfaction or feeling as though I was meant to be something other than what I was followed me as I got older, only dissipating once I discovered Who was calling me.

After I learned that Loki claimed me as His child, my sense of not fitting in fell away like moldy rags, crumbling beneath my feet into dust the way a snake’s skin is reclaimed by the forest. The forest that has surrounded my rebirth from the beginning of time, singing me songs of wind through the branches, sheltering me among the roots of ancient conifers, filling me with a sense of peace just to imagine it.

Before this month began I felt as though the font of words had run dry, I am glad to learn that is not the case as I continue to focus my attention on honoring Loki.

Hail Loki, my mentor, bringer of change and growth, my parent, my God.

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Posted in Injury, Loki, Month for Loki, Pain, Personal Gnosis, Worship | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

Month for Loki: Day 3

I wasn’t able to do a post yesterday due to being laid up in the ER for slipping on some spilled water at our local Walmart and pulling muscles all along my right side. Thankfully nothing is broken, but walking is difficult at best, standing on my right foot hurts like a bastard, and my toes are throbbing angrily at me. The ER said that I had pulled muscles in my lower back, outer hip, inner thighs, sprained my right ankle, and pulled muscles in my right foot.

The height of my trip to the ER was the air conditioning though, even with being poked, prodded, having joints flexed and wiggled, and getting a shot in the ass for pain that didn’t really help much.

So yea… Hail Loki, bringer of air conditioning and pain meds, wooo!

Posted in Injury, Loki, Medications, Month for Loki, Pain | Tagged , , | 9 Comments

Almost forgot…

My eldest brought in a dead female Goldfinch last night, wrapped snugly inside her tank top. At first glance I thought she had been picking herbs from my garden or flowers, but then the dark form’s head wobbled, and I realized it was an animal of some kind (I didn’t have my glasses on, so seeing the details was tough until I got closer). l admit I gasped really loudly once I realized she was clutching a dead bird, and quickly removed her shirt to send her upstairs for a shower. My eldest protested only long enough to say she saw it outside and didn’t want to leave the bird for the outdoor cats that appeared.

I carefully carried the tiny bundle outside to my white planter box AKA my burial plot, and laid the body within a 4 inch deep hole with a whispered apology. After the dirt was patted down gently, I grabbed our large flat offering stone from the front garden and covered her resting place to keep out the tender mercies of the cats that were watching me with indignation and annoyance.

I talked to my eldest afterwards and explained that carrying dead animals in our clothes is not a smart move due to fleas, mites, and germs. And if she finds more dead animals in the future, to let me know instead of carrying them into the house.

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Month for Loki: Day 1

It is hard to believe that an entire year has passed since I wrote my last series to honor Loki during July. The passage of time feels both surreal, and awe-inspiring to contemplate, but here we are again.

To kick off the Month’s happenings, I shaved part of my hair. Partly because it is at least 90 degrees outside, with so much humidity that I can wring out my clothes at the end of the day, so less hair means happy me.

The other reason started out as an idea of using the hair as an offering, however, I forgot to mention that to my husband after the hair shaving, so the pounds of hair is sitting in the trash (I know, I know, bad Polytheist, no cookie for me.) So I want to use the act of the haircut, combined with prayer, as an offering instead. Doing anything more right now during this heat wave is too much for my body to take.

Moist heat and me do not mix well >_<

Anywho… Let’s see, the start of this month feels very quiet on the Loki front. For the most part, I rarely sense or hear anything from Him these days, which feels strange and sometimes unnerving. I have struggled with writing on this blog partly due to time constraints with my kids, but also with fighting to find the words to write.

For the most part, my words and energies seem to be pulled into helping my youngest brother stay out of crisis last night, and trying to avoid passing out from heat exhaustion today.

Offerings for Loki will commence again tomorrow.

Posted in Loki, Month for Loki, Offerings | Tagged , , | 2 Comments

Self-Harm Trigger Warning: Brace yourself, I’m pissed off and anxious now…

My mother just messaged me online to let me know my youngest brother is currently going through a mental health crisis, and threatening self-harm. After telling me that he had never gotten over his ex-girlfriend’s suicide attempt, and couldn’t be left alone, she had the gall to

1. Tell me not to be upset…. Yea right, too late now….

and…

2. Ask whether or not my husband and I could become his suicide watchers to make sure he was safe and unharmed…

Excuse me, I can’t take on that job in good conscience. We have 3 kids of our own we need to protect and watch over, and if he snaps while with us, what would stop him from hurting others along with himself?

She brought this up because she has a super important job interview tomorrow, and him threatening suicide is making it hard for her and my dad to go to work.

Nowhere is there a worry about him, or his safety, only how this affects her. Her job offer, her mental health in seeing him like this, her discomfort having therapists and workers know how he feels, and she sees no problem in viewing it this way.

I want to slap her and yell “It’s not about you, this is not about you at all. Not about how you feel, or what you think, this is about your son. Your son’s feelings, your son’s pain. Stop fucking horning in on his suffering and be a supportive, loving adult like he needs in his life. Stop worrying about how people will look at you for having a son with mental illness, and give more than one shit about his well-being. He needs you, he needs you to get over yourself, and actually be a mother. You gave birth to him, you claim to be his mother… Fucking act like it.”

I sit here with my hands tied, my blood burning to help, and my heart beating with a primal rage I haven’t felt in a long time. He is a grownup, and all I can do is be here for him if he needs me. I have tried to talk him out of being depressed, supporting him, loving him, attempting to show him how strong he is, how his life doesn’t need to end. I just don’t know how to help now.

Gods help me see what I can do, or how I can help. And watch over my baby brother that I raised like he was my son.

Posted in Counselling, Family, Grief, Mental Health, Pain, Prayer, Rant, The Past | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment

My green babies

Nature has been luring me away from posting much lately, but I have lots of plant babies to show off, so that will help in my blog’s separation anxiety…

This is my purple African Violet.

This is my purple African Violet.

These are my 3 spider plants and my snake plant.

These are my 3 Spider plants and my Snake plant.

This is my baby Wormwood plant, grown from a cutting I swiped from a trip into town.

This is my baby Wormwood plant, grown from a cutting I swiped from a trip into town. And our cat Missy.

My 2 Aloe Vera plants.

My 2 Aloe Vera plants. And Missy again.

My Mother's day gift from my folks. Top L: Oregano Thyme Top R: Calendula Bottom L: Poppies Bottom R: Chocolate Mint

My Mother’s day gift from my folks.
Top L: Oregano Thyme
Top R: Calendula
Bottom L: Poppies
Bottom R: Chocolate Mint

Top L: Mallow Top R: Shallots Bottom L: Garden Sage Bottom R: Thyme

Top L: Mallow
Top R: Shallots
Bottom L: Garden Sage
Bottom R: Thyme

Top L: Forgotten Top R: Catnip Bottom L: Lovage

Top L: Forgotten
Top R: Catnip
Bottom L: Lovage

The only plant I forgot to get a picture of was my Rosemary, partly because I am worried I will lose this one as well, so far I haven’t had good luck with keeping a Rosemary growing for long. I blessed it with a prayer when I planted it, and created a spell with an offering of my spit to protect it, and help it grow.

 

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So a monthly visitor walks into a bar…

And holds up the whole place at gun-point demanding all of the booze, salty foods, chocolate, and cinnamon gum that they can find…

Quelling my inner rage-murder-screaming is difficult, I haven’t had my period in about 4 years (all the time spent pregnant or nursing) has left me unprepared for this occurrence starting again.

Part of me wants to celebrate my monthly cycle restarting as the moon wanes, and is intrigued by the idea of using my moon blood as a consecration tool for a special ritual.

The rest of me wants to hide in a darkened room with a heating pad on my belly, and to be left alone until the pain stops. The idea of a magical ritual or ceremony only causes rolling growls to emanate from me, and a glint of fangs starts to show.

Maybe I will compromise with capturing some and storing it for later when I am less murderous….

Posted in Magic, Menses, Offerings, Pain | Tagged , , , | 3 Comments

Happy Father’s Day Papa Flamehair

I lack my usual eloquence today when I think about our bond, and all You have done in my life.

All I can say is thank you Papa, and I love you.

Happy Father’s Day.

Posted in Holidays, Loki, Worship | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

Pain, pain, go away…

Leave my innards alone for forever and a day…

Today’s letters are brought to you today by F and U, and by the number 12…

My insides feel twisted, scrunched, and raw, and nothing I have tried has helped in getting the symptoms to let up. I don’t know if my period is trying to start, if I have a stomach virus, or if I have an ovarian cyst.

All I know is I am doubled over in agony, can barely walk or stand, and the only thing that feels slightly better is pressing my knees into my pelvis.

Fun, fun, fun being me. Let me tell ya! It is buckets of enjoyment. Anyone want to take over being me so I can get a break? I can offer chocolates, ice cold water, homemade BBQ sauce on top of any meal you like, and wonderful foot massages… Just, someone, anyone, wanna step in and take over?

I don’t think I can keep going like this without some serious pain meds, or alcohol. And I used my last bit of vodka for magical stuff…

Posted in Illness, Medications, Pain, Rant | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

Blehhhhhh

I feel as though I have been through the ringer these past few days.

I hadn’t known what to write lately, it feels as though I had a dial inside my head that was turned from my Lokean and Spirit channel to a channel that went back to my roots in Neopagan practices.

I have to say that having a clear signal is a nice change from the mixture of Latin talk radio, Classical, Jazz, Pop, and the Jotnar equivalent of NPR rolling around in my mind like a bag of marbles.

Which feels weird, to say the least.

I was able to clean and reorganize our kitchen, and rearrange several of my Witchy tools into a kitchen shrine and altar. Now my mini cast iron cauldron shares a spot on the back of my stove with a wrought iron candlestick, an old ink bottle, and my spice rack (which holds not only spices, but also my ceramic skull, my offering bottle of rum, cornmeal, and a hot cocoa box with Yoda on it).

The center of the stove houses 2 glass votive candle-holders that I use for liquid offerings, a mini wooden bowl of salt, and a spot for different offering dishes to be switched out. My wooden knife block usually sits behind the center offerings, unless I am cooking. I also set up some of my glass herb jars on the counter for easier access, and I am brainstorming a way to bring down the rest of my herbs from our extra room.

We had our first thunderstorm this weekend, and I was able to gather some of the water to create my own version of holy water (I will post the recipe in another post).

I am currently brewing a test batch of Florida Water as well with the last of our vodka, and several different herbs, flowers, and lots of orange peels (recipe to follow as well)…

But all has not been sunshine and unicorn farts, my youngest has been sleeping poorly, and last night we had to sleep on the couch after a bedtime breakdown that ended in tears for everyone.

I have been struggling with frequent migraines that leave me wishing I could crack open my skull to relieve the agony between my eyes.

My husband has been fighting frequent colds or allergies, insomnia, and a possible downswing in his Bipolar disorder. I have been working on so many parenting weights, housekeeping, and chores that I am running on empty. I know it is something he does when I am unable to function, so I push myself above and beyond to make sure he can rest and recover.

My eldest had a school play on Wednesday night, and her 1st meeting with a new 1:1 technician. During the initial visit my youngest choked really badly on some diced pears, and I was able to leap into action by sweeping her mouth, performing the Heimlich maneuver, and clearing her airway. However, inside my head I was freaking out, and that freak-out built onto itself for the rest of the evening. It slowly crested during my eldest’s play.

I was on kid-duty while my husband filmed, and both littles were running, jumping, and playing the whole hour. My youngest decided that running the length of the cafeteria while yelling was perfect, and my 3 1/2 year old went between chasing her sister, playing with her ponies and snacking, to trying to pull the fire alarm. Overall everything worked out great, but I was left shaking, nauseous, exhausted, and sobbing once we got home.

The feelings all peaked in a panic attack that left me wrung out and feeling like my heart was going to burst out of my chest. I hate feeling like this, I loathe the feelings of panic and fear that swamp me during my moments of losing it. I wish there was a magic bullet for this, but thus far, I haven’t found one. So I keep slogging, functioning, and count each fulfilled day as a success.

I know that I can keep going, even if I am screaming inside that I can’t.

 

Posted in Chaos, Family, Mental Health, Parenting | Tagged , , , | 3 Comments